The Acting Bug

Last night Erik gave me the night off and I was able to catch "Bullshot Crummond" at the Coaster Theatre. I loved it. It was a great show and I knew quite a few of the cast members. It was also the Talk Back Thursday where they have a question and answer session with the cast and crew afterward. Last night's Talk Back was neat as they also had one of the authors there. I worked concessions so I got in for free. After the question and answer I went to say Hi to Bill (who played Bullshot Crummond) and he said he knew I was there because he heard me laughing. Craig Shepard made sure to fill me in on next years season, mentioning that there are three musicals planned and that next Christmas they are doing "My Fair Lady". Ahh...that would be amazing. There are a lot of "if"s but it gives me an entire year to convince Erik that we can survive me being in another show.
I've spent many hours pondering why I love acting with such a passion and after these many said hours this is what I've come up with: I just love it. I love being on stage, I love affecting and playing with people's emotions. I love telling stories. I love making people laugh and cry. I love being something I'm not.
Sometimes I try for a noble line of thinking, "I'm doing this because this story needs to be told." But then I've been in a few shows where I'm not sure the story really needs to be told but we tell it anyway. I often end up discouraged when I really sit down and ponder this passion of mine because I want to express myself this way, I want to keep acting and I really really love it but I'm not sure how. I would love to perform in church or for churches but I've been discouraged by the lack of "non-cheesy" female or one or two performer christian scripts and I don't feel adequate to the task of writing my own.
I hate to admit it but this is the one area in my life where I wonder what it would be like if I wasn't married or if we didn't have any kiddos. I hate when these thoughts arise because I wouldn't trade any of my life for any role in any play but I haven't figured out the balance of being able to do both in this season of my life.
I have been blessed with a wonderful husband, who even though he doesn't understand the passion in the slightest, supports me with minimal grumbling and I love him all the more for it. I don't even think I fully understand this passion of mine to perform...why is it so strong that I want to cry sometimes? Why do I get so frustrated with everything when I'm not able to? Why does my stomach knot up with excitement at the thought of another acting opportunity? Sometimes I do just cry, "God why this burning passion? How can you use this?" I have so many questions and I'm not very good at patiently waiting for answers.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to let my heart bleed all over the page this morning...
If any one knows of a good monologue or script that they want to send my way, please do.